(Image Credit: Alexis Wilkinson by Ryan Pfluger for New York Magazine. )

Basic bitches… bad bitches… with so many ever-evolving definitions of bitches, that it’s getting hard to keep up. But, don’t worry, funny lady and editor of The Harvard Lampoon, Alexis Wilkinson has got this. In a piece she penned for Opening Ceremony, Wilkinson has the final word on the difference between a basic bitch and a bad bitch.

On basic bitches…

To find a bitch of the “basic” phenotype, one needn’t look further than a city-block radius on any given day. As my grandmother used to say, leaning back in her Tuscan leather armchair, Egyptian-cotton blanket wrapped tightly around her perfectly accessorized frame, “Close your eyes. Throw a stone. Hit a basic bitch.” The trappings of basicness are the components of modern existence at its least common denominators: a pumpkin-spice latte in her French-manicured hand, a complete lack of self-awareness, and a vocal inflection that makes statements sound like questions. Like the dumbass molecules of a bum-ass chain, these elements arise from the primordial ooze and link to form a simple being.

On bad bitches…

Though definitions vary, foremost, the Bad Bitch is a revolutionary. To the Bad Bitch, life is a sport, and she is winning. Basic bitches tremble when she walks into the room, their cheaply glossed mouths opening wide as they observe the Bad Bitch in her natural habitat. The Bad Bitch is the musical muse of top-grossing musicians, inspiring hip-hop artists to sing her praises in songs like Ludacris’ “My Chick Bad” and Tyga’s aptly titled “Bad Bitches.” “You should want a bad bitch like this,” raps Iggy Azalea in this summer’s smash “Fancy.” Though the Bad Bitch has her discontents, she is always self-assured, and it is from this security she draws her power and beckons men like moths to a sexy, sexy flame. The Bad Bitch is not born. She is made.

Essentially…

Where the basic bitch sees an obstacle, the Bad Bitch sees an opportunity. Where the basic bitch is stagnant, the Bad Bitch is a process. Where the basic bitch is, well, basic, the Bad Bitch, like evolution and life itself, is nothing if not complex.

There you have it. What type of bitch are you?